For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth.
Everyone’s allowed to be in love with the wrong person at some point. In fact, it’s a mistake not to be.
I want you. I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up, and the smile that follows. I want to be the warmth that fills the space in your bed. I don’t want to share you.
At a Loss
You would think the worst feeling in the world would be when your world starts to crumble; when what was once perfect turns into constant confusion, pain, anger, hurt and loneliness…
That’s not the worst feeling.
The worst feeling in the world is feeling absolutely helpless and lost; powerless to do anything to try and fix it; unable to get back to the way it was.
What’s even worse is that I know it’s not my fault. I know I’ve been trying as hard as I can. I know I’ve put up with more than I should. I know I’ve been lied to before. I know I’m being lied to now. I know I’m being used. I know I’ve been betrayed. I know that I’ve done nothing wrong; nothing to deserve this. But still, even knowing all of this, I feel like it’s all my fault. So:
I’m sorry that my crying frustrated him - even though he’s the one that made me cry.
I’m sorry that I kept him up longer than I should - even though I was just trying to fix it.
I’m sorry that he’s so “angry” that he can’t even look me in the eye - even though I know it’s actually guilt and denial, because I found out.
I’m sorry for doubting him, not trusting him, not believing him - even though I’ve been slapped in the face with solid proof of his betrayals and lies.
I’m sorry I get so angry and upset - even though his constant negativity and lies are the things that make me crazy.
I’m sorry that the “sparkle” isn’t in my eye - even though the constant exhaustion, stress and negativity is what dimmed it out in the first place.
I’m sorry he can never relax - even though I continuously make every effort to make his life as easy as possible.
I’m sorry I don’t dress up more to look pretty for him - even though I never get a chance between work, cleaning and taking care of his apartment and daughter.
I’m sorry that I can’t just turn off my tears, fears or anger when it is convenient - especially when he’s the one that causes those feelings
I’m sorry I’m insecure, and afraid to lose you - even though he should be afraid to lose me too, but does everything possible to make these feelings worse
I’m sorry I try to run away - even though staying to hear him yell at me, throw things, or shake his head in disappointment kills me more than you can imagine
I’m sorry I’m such a brat - even though he’s much worse, but I’m supposed to accept it.
I’m sorry that I want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay - even though that’s what he should do.
I’m sorry I was sad on the anniversary of my dad’s passing; that I’ve been stressed that my mom won’t talk to me and that I’ve had to balance school and work; that my family is dealing with way more than it should, and that this is all inconvenient for him - even though he should be supportive.
I’m sorry that I have flaws that he obviously refuses to accept or attempt to understand - even though I am supposed to accept everything about him, no matter how rude, mean, ridiculous or wrong
I’m sorry I don’t think he listens to me - even though I only say it because he turns up the TV or radio to drown me out whenever we have a serious discussion
I’m sorry I haven’t found him a place to live - even though having to move is his own stupid fault, for lying, and it’s not my responsibility.
I’m sorry that I don’t want to marry him right now - even though we’ve only been together a short time, and he won’t be legally divorced until summer anyway
I’m sorry that I “must not love him” because I’ve postponed moving in with him - even though, again, it has only been a short time, and I have school and work to think about
I’m sorry that I want him to pay attention to me, to love me, to kiss me like he means it - all the things he used to do just a few weeks ago
I’m sorry that I’m broken - even though he said he could fix me, and all he does it stomp on the pieces
I’m sorry for everything - even though I know I’ve done nothing but love you, absolutely and unconditionally…until you broke me.
He could punch me in the face, run me over, and burn my house down…but he would still be able to make me feel like it’s my fault…and I would be the one to say “I’m sorry”
Most of all though, I should say sorry to myself for getting myself into this in the first place; for ignoring the red flags in the beginning; for looking the other way, instead of following my hunches and investigating; for not listening to my mother, his daughter, and his ex, when they spelled out all the lies, told me to get out, and offered to help; for believing that I could have a life with him; for not asking questions and speaking up sooner; for falling for his stupid ass; for still trying to gain his forgiveness and approval; for being afraid to let go; for still loving him…even now.
I could go on…but this already turned out longer than I intended.
if I offered you $20, would you take it?
How about if I crumpled it up?
Stepped on it?
you would probably take it even though it was crumpled and stepped on it. Do you know why?
Because it is still $20, and its worth has not changed.
The same goes for you; if you have a bad day, or if something bad happens to you, you are not worthless.
if someone crumples you up or steps on you, your worth does not change. You are still just as valuable as you were before.